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Columns: How to enjoy q2dm1 pickups

Hmm, I was one of the few active column-writers on when it was up, which was great deal of fun and of course I always had the hardest time finding stuff to write about. Anyway, this is one of the columns I wrote early on, since it's pretty simple and obvious: ways to enjoy your everyday pub q2dm1 teamgames.

(In North America they refer to non-clan teamgames as pickups):

We all love the q2dm1 pickup games, don't we? It's what its all about here now anyway, so lets see what fun you can have when playing. One thing is for sure, if you are gonna play at least enjoy it! Time playing q2 when it's boring is wasted time.

Stack the teams!

You like winning? Then stacking the teams is for you! Now this is pretty fun, not only do you get to play with good teammates giving you weapons if you die, and they help out locking down the map and distributing railguns whenever they see a teammate without one, but you also get to win the game with ease. And just the winning alone makes it fun. But hold on, don't run off stacking teams right away, there is more to it! The complete destroying of your opponents will probably make one or two of them break, starting to cry one way or the other. So while you rail you can read funny whining in mm1, as well as you can see totally unsportmanslike actions by your opponents. One may even leave the team or, if you're really lucky, he might disconnect. And if you're really really lucky, he might call you a cheater before leaving. Do not expect this to happen that often though, so be sure to post a demo if it happens to make the humiliation even worse.

Play for stats!

Everyone looks up to the top fragger. And what is more fun than being looked up to? Just pray that the one guy with 20 ping spawnraping by rail happens to be you. It's not hard, just be sure to not die, keep distance from armed opponents and be sure to never be 2v1'ed or 3v1'ed. Always look at your health before deciding whether you want to help your teammate getting 2v1'ed, or just wait till he gets both of them low and steal the both frags with chain. That's a tough call. Cause if you wait, he might actually kill one of them, or if you're really unlucky he might be lucky and frag both. Now we don't want that to happen. Anyway, it's fairly easy:

- kill the opponent with the lowest health first, so others don't take your frags. And those frags are the easiest
- stay alive, do not be afraid of running. And did you know how many easy spawnfrags you can get in the hallways? No? Oh man, you're up for a suprise!
- Drop ssg's to teammates so they can do some damage to the oponents, but be sure to not let them go around with too many rails or chains cause that will give them a lot more frags. You want to be on the top, don't you?

Your teammates say that they need help at water? Wait, it can be a trap. There can be a lot of railing enemies there ready to take you out. No, run to arena instead. Chances are that a couple of your teammates will be by rail already batteling it out. So instead you can get the whole arena for yourself, where nonrailing enemies are. And not only that, you also will be given fresh, newly spawned meat that you can easily rail. Show no mercy when it comes to whoring items though. Seriously, look at your stats, you're by far the most valuable player in the team, it only serves the common good that you are stacked at all times. And don't fear if your teammates lose control of the megaroom. It shouldn't affect you all that much, just run some more, and spend more time at hallways and upper rl. Easy pickings. When you win, be sure to say "only 34 railkills :" and "damn, my teammates die too much" and "rail was off".

Play for your team!

So you never really were good at fragging much? No? Yeah, fragging is hard. Just let it rest. The way to go is to make your teammates better. Be sure to supply them with any spare weapons you may have. Also give them ammo when you don't need it. Nothing makes a chainer more happy than when his teammates are giving him bullets after he has been in an intense chain vs rail battle in water. It makes the game so much easier for him, now he can chase the next opponent he sees instead of go running around finding more ammo wasting precious fragging time. If you know one of your teammates have an affinity for one of the guns, be sure that he gets it. Pick up weapons on your way to mega where you will pitch your tent, and be sure to drop them as soon as teammates spawns. This way your teammates knows where to run to get a gun, and it will be harder for your opponents to get frags. You realize you soon get picked quite often when people creates/locks teams, instead of being the target of cheat accusations people actually want to team with you cause you make them look better and all. And you don't even need to be very good, just be sure to have easy accessable drop binds. Check what weapon the teammate is using, and drop him that ammo. If you see a rl, drop the rockets you picked up by water. It's oh so easy, but funny.

Cry cheater!

Come on, are there really any way someone can be that much better than you? I mean, you play this game quite often, and you win some games now and then too. You feel your aim is above average, and unlike DaHanG your entire gameplay isn't based on luck. But again, you do pull out some crazy stuff now and then, call it luck, call it skill, but if you don't try you don't win. But damn, that guy you're playing is hitting some bullshit shots, no way in hell you could do those shots all the time. Not once, not twice, but like all the damn time! Yeah, right. You're hard to hit, and you're certainly not one of those stupid predictable players that run in straight lines. Come on, you're no FFA player for Christ's sake. This is so obvious it's funny. Well, once you've ruled out the chances of someone actually is better than you at some parts of the game, it's easy to conclude that this guy is blatantly cheating. "nice hacks" is a good way to start the crying. Wait for a response, you might be unlucky playing one of those silent hackers. Those are the most boring ones to play, so you should really just disconnect instead if he doesn't reply. But if you manage to get a conversation going, either with him or some of his teammates, or if everything else fails maybe even b100d among the spectators, you've achieved your goal. You get an intresting conversation going, and will entertain not only you, but a bunch of people at the same time! It's a win/win/lose/win/lose situation, or something like that. And losing to a hacker isn't so bad, that's the perfect excuse. It's a fact: you can't beat the computer, just try playing quake2 singleplayer. It's just too good for humans.


If you are getting raped hard, and I mean really hard, the best thing to do is hide. Not the boring hide-waiting-for-an-item-to-spawn sort of hiding. No, I mean die hard hiding-the entire-game-through sort of hiding. The one that will make your teammates look at the scoretable asking "is one of our guys afk?" and the opponents will say something like "no idea, haven't seen him at all". You better pray to god that the stupid observers will say something like "no, he isn't afk, he is hiding", cause that will ruin everything. Thank god for the tdm mod that prevents spectators from talking to players while the game is running. Now, for the most fun, you should hide very early on. The earlier the better. If you're really lucky you will actually get a decent gun and even armor. Then you can run off, to get away from the battle. Upper rl is a good place to hide, but that is dangerous. Cause your teammates will spawn there every now and then, and then you need to be looking like "you're just passing through, on your way doing something more important stuff". Then it's best to look like your doing something usefull. Either run back and forth seemingly doing something clever. Or spam a rocket at random, make it look like you think an enemy is at water, and if youre lucky your teammate will jump down into water. Problem solved, chances are slim he will come up from water, go to mega, then to lift and run to upper rl again. And by the time he sees you agian when being killed he has forgot that you were there in the first place, so then you just need to repeat the feat. Also, maybe you need to make some fake binds saying "IM AT MEGA" or "IM AT WATER", when you're clearly not. And "I NEED HELP AT SEWERS" or something helps, try to vary them a little. I would believe the best place to hide was at the hallways. Not only cause the enemy wont be there as often, cause everyone spawning will be teammates. But also cause it's very easy pretending doing something usefull there. "Im just waiting for the slug to spawn", "I'm just collecting bullets for my soon to come chain", "ah, I'm just strolling through, pay no attention to me" and they most likely wont. Keep in mind we're talking about hiding the newschool way. Stay away from battle at all costs, but don't neccessarily stay in one spot all the time. Staying under the stairs is too obvious for the newschool hiders, it may work for a while, but once someone sees you, you don't really have any excuses other than "sorry, someone at the door". Just keep spending time in the areas of the maps where noone is, hallways and sewers are top notch places to hide. Do not, and I can't stress that enough, attempt hiding at lift! That's the worst place to hide, and you will only draw attention from angry opponents standing there.

Rush the mega! (or rush!)

This is fun. I mean, it really is. Pay no attention to details in the game, if youre ahead or behind or whatever, just keep in mind that you must run from the spawnpad to the megahealth. Guns are not needed, allthough I would recommend getting one if one is nearby. Allthough it sounds simple, do not let anything distract you from the mission of being inside the megaroom at all costs. I know how tempting it is to wait for 3 more seconds at lower rl, or maybe help someone at rail. But no, don't do it! Once getting to mega, just get the chaingun, the armor and mega, and jump around in mega doing whatever you want. When you see an ememy just do all out attack with chain, and either kill him or die trying. If you die, it's easy, just do it all over again. If you somehow survive, just jump around till chain and armor spawn and wait for another enemy to enter the mega. And repeat the all out attack. Of course this can be done even more extreme, but rushing the entire map. Just grab any gun, and run finding the nearest opponent, and do all you can to hurt him. Will either work pretty good, or not work at all. Either way, it's great fun.

Play solo!

Do you really care about teamplay? Come on, teamplay is waaaaay overrated. If people need a gun, let them get it themselves, no reason to give away the one you've worked so hard for, cause they just die anyway. And if people die, it's their fault, they just suck too much. No, just ignore them and focus on your own play. Teams are just the same as FFA, only difference is that there are fewer targets. So you roam the map like you use to, camp the lower rl for some cheap kills, camp water some for even more cheap kills, and yeah, maybe even stay some in mega if it's not too crowded with annoying teammates who run in the way. And please, stop the spamming of mm2 messages at all times, it's annoying and draws your attention away from the funny spectator comments. If you don't have any usefull to say don't say it. And please, you don't care if people need help at rail or mega or whatever. Your teammates seems to be needing help at all times anyway. What a bunch of losers. The fun is of course partially to make your teammates look bad, and hence making you look good. This can easily be confused with the "playing for stats" but it's more extreme in the complete and utter lack of teamplay and even recognizion of them being there for your benefit. Because the solo player will always believe he would done better all alone than in a team. So annoying with those guys running in the way, stealing your frags and your guns and ammo and not to mention mega and armor. Geez, would be much better off without them.

Well, think I've covered some ways of enjoying your standard pickup game. There are many more I'm sure, and some are left out by intention. Ok, you're free to run off stacking some teams now!

2007-08-27 12:30 
nice emo
2006-12-18 21:13 

funny shit emo

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