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The 2011 Regeneration Manifesto: Part 3, Structure the Season
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The 2011 Regeneration Manifesto: Part 2, The Situation
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Columns: The Q2 Arsenal

Look what I found:

A small collection of pieces I wrote for my column at A funny look at the online gaming skills and techniques required to become a master of the outstanding Quake 2 game.

Hello newbies, gather around, for this week we will talk about the weapons in Quake 2 and their awe inspiring powers. Used correctly, they can be more deadly than a Swiss army knife in an under utensiled kitchen. Like everyday life, the correct selection is vital. You wouldn’t go into the local gay bar dressed in a French maids outfit and no knickers, now would you? (Put your hand down little Johnston in the back there, I don’t want to hear it!)

The Blaster. Don’t be deceived, it may leave little wet trails like a pea shooter on acid, but this is one handy baby. Get used to it. If you play any sort of non weapon-stay Death Match, this will be your only weapon for 95% of the game. The big boys know where all the flashy weapons are, and will have snaffled them (and you) before you get there.

Think of it as tennis. The Rail Gun and the Rocket Launcher are the men’s game, one hit wonders. One big splash and its all over. No skill, no longevity, just instant destruction. The Blaster is akin to watching ladies tennis (no Johnston, I don’t want to hear about those frilly gym panties right now, thank you.) Two fine forms moving in an intricate game of cat and mouse, little trails of yellow dawdling past there heads. Yes, the Blaster is a thing of beauty.

Think of it as a dance of female skills and wiles against the brutish force of a pissed up lager lout. It also helps to ignore the look of sheer delight on the face of the man you are taking pot shots at, as his 115 armour points and 174 health points ebb away ever so gently as he Chains you to tatters. Destructively it could do with a shot of explosive viagra. Creatively, it is the thinking man’s weapon of choice and the newbie’s weapon of necessity.

Shotgun. Okay, 95% of the time it will be the Blaster. For 3% it will be the shotgun. Most seasoned players will leave this gun out for you, to at least give you a fighting chance of inflicting more than 8 damage points on them before they frag you.

More fool them I say. As your second most used weapon, it adds to your artistic palette, and allows you to prance about like a lady, weaving and dancing and inflicting minimal damage on the wall as the rockets (and your limbs) explode all about you. One of your more experienced team mates might have done almost fatal damage to an opposition before losing his own life. If you can stand the pace, and wait long enough to catch the damaged foe, the shotgun is an excellent finishing weapon.

Super Shotgun. Now we step up a gear. Girls look away, this man’s holding a doubled barrelled brute in his sweaty hand. (Johnston, put your hand down, I don’t want to know about your double barrels, put them away.) Pepper more of the walls with buckshot than you do with the single shotgun, as the skilled players bob and weave out of harms way...

Slow firing it maybe, but if you can step up unheard behind a foe, it’s a good weapon for going... BOO! And tipping them off the edge of a nice platform, to certain craterage.

Machine Gun. As that old French singer goes, a rat a tat a tat, so does this little boy’s weapon. Firing out rounds at a rate of hours, you will once again find yourself dancing around the more experienced players, making small nicks in their armour as they put a big hole through your torso with a streak of blue from their rail guns. They often leave this one for players just like you, just like the shotgun.

Chain Gun. Yes, your Q2 cahoonies will have finally dropped if you can get a hold of this weapon for any length of time. Maybe a team mate will trust you with this gun, mainly because they don’t trust you with anything explosive yet. (No Johnston, I would only ever let you hold the Blaster, and then the safety would be turned on).

You will find this one extremely useful. You hear a footstep from down the corridor, heart pounding, you let rip. The walls around you have the paint stripped from them in seconds, which is much cheaper than hiring a steamer. Seconds later though, you will be laying a big steamer.

Out of an alcove steps the foe, you line him up, press fire, and start shooting dribbling little yellow trails at him. That’s right’s you wallpaper stripper is out of ammo, whilst your opponent takes his time. He’s up for a bit of variety and cycles through his arsenal to finish you off with... a shotgun...

Grenade. Don’t laugh at the player doing a ballet twirl with his arm in front of you, chances are he is lobbing a Grenade. Seconds later, your internal organs will be doing an external ballet of their own.

Those little eggs on the floor aren’t an Easter treat, their potential is explosive. Using the manual Grenade launching device (your arm) you will fail to get an effective firing rate, but as a last resort, it can be a handy little device. Only worth using if you can hide behind a crate, close to a group of enemy players (or a lift shaft), and you can pop out and drop one in the middle. (Sir! Sir! I think Johnston just dropped one in the middle! JOHNSTON!)

One last thing, holding the Grenade too long has a definite hazard warning, it’s much better going off amongst the enemy than among your fingers.

Grenade Launcher. Send those explosive eggs further and faster than your weedy arm can throw and with the added bonus that it takes away the need to remember to let go off the Grenade. A useful device for putting the cat amongst the pigeons, but please remember to take an alternative route to the route where you have just shot your load of little time bombs.

Rocket Launcher. Now we are talking mans power tools (if you can get your hand on one, which will be about 1% of the time!) Use this in tight corners at your peril. Timing is of the essence here, if you see a straggler, don’t aim at him, aim for where he’s heading. With any luck, he hasn’t seen you and will connect with a strange orange mushroom nearby, draining him of armour, health and bodily functions.

Useful for jumping up to the mega health on everyone’s favourite map, DM1, as it will be a good long while before you can do it without the aid of an exploding device. Also, perfect the art of aiming it at the feet of the enemy, rather than 10 foot above their heads. It will take a while to perfect, and many of your own toes, but will eventually pay off.

A spectacular way of taking two people out in one shot in close combat situations is to run up to the foe, fire a rocket, and watch two bodies fly apart. Unfortunately, one of them will be yours, but no point is lost, so have fun with it!

Hyper Blaster. Hooray! Celebrate, you have the vigra’d up version of your puny Blaster. You can now either wipe out the enemy in a second, or spend a minute chasing his tail around the map, completely missing him in the process. Chances are, as a newbie, it will be the latter.

The Hyper Blaster is a particularly useful weapon in a dark corner. (No Johnston, I don’t want to know about your dark corners...) Take the guesswork out of it for your enemy, by lighting yourself up like a Billy Beacon on ReadyBrek as you strip the wall and woodwork. A glowing you provides a handy target for your enemy to pick aim at, and take out at his leisure.

Rail Gun. Very little needs to be said about this gun, because no one will ever let you get to it. Unless that is, you are lucky enough at the start of a game to spawn next to it, which will be the only chance you will ever have of seeing it.

So, what do you do with it for the .00001% of the time you have your hands on it? The newbie style is well, basically, not a lot. Try taking out those bad, but very experienced enemy, and the chances are you will miss. By the time your gun has reloaded, you are crapping teeth as the third rocket you’ve been forced to eat for breakfast takes your noggin off.

So why are they so keen to use this gun, considering how crap it feels to the newbie? In the right hands it is devastating, particularly to newbies. In the wrong hands, those of the newbie, well, you are better off using the Blaster.

The BFG. This is to weapons, what John Holmes is to porn, the big one. (I’m sure you know what the F is for Johnston, but this is a family column.) Wipe out a room full of smug l33tists with a single shot, and then sit back and listen to them bitch.

Big to hold (shut it Johnston,) big damage, big power drain, but most of all, big bitching. The l33t frown upon this weapon with a vengeance, for them it is too skilful what Milli Vanilli is to singing. To the Newbie though, it is a Godsend, the great leveller, the frag maker, the God of all weapons. Shame you will never find it….

So there we have it, the weapons of Quake 2. Use them wisely, practise hard, and one day you too could be the Master of Raildom, one day you will vow to never use the BFG in anger again, one day you can tatter someone with the Chain Gun, but not for a while, first you must learn to walk, first you must...

The lecture is stopped suddenly by a loud bang and shower of innards from the back of the room.

Sir! Sir! Johnston blew up!

Well, serves him right for farting when I was explaining about letting go of the grenade, now doesn’t it? Somebody get a shovel...


2004-07-12 17:08 
"To the Newbie though, it is a Godsend, the great leveller, the frag maker, the God of all weapons. Shame you will never find it….

hehe i like that one

funny read
2004-07-11 16:39 
Very nice in deed.
2004-07-11 12:46 
hahaa very nice!! xD

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